That's baseball for you

What Does Carson Daly Do?

2011-11-08T16:37:00.001-08:00

Does anyone know? Because I know he used to host TRL and he used to have a late night talk show, but now? I have no fucking clue.

I watched his "late night talk show" late last night, and I am so confused. He didn't interview anyone, he didn't have a set, he didn't have an audience and I am not completely sure, but I think he was missing a soul. He is just a robot. Just reading off a teleprompter going on and on about shitty bands no one has ever heard of, while walking around some record store. He doesn't seem human now, he's just a Hollywood whore. Executives think, "Who can we get that knows how to read, won't go off script at all, and doesn't care about life at all?" CARSON FUCKING DALY! WE'LL GET CARSON FUCKING DALY!

Come on, man. Have some respect for yourself.

I write this

2011-10-28T21:00:00.001-07:00

I write this because I need to write this, not because I want to write this. If I don’t write this, I don’t think I will be able to get over the pain that I have just went through. I write this because talking to friends will not help. I write this to try to make sense of the horror I just witnessed. I write this to try to justify my emotional attachment to a little game and a team. If you are not a sports fan, then you will think this is silly but if you’re reading this, you are most likely a sports fan.

Heck, if you’re reading this, you probably know me because a road out in the middle of nowhere gets more traffic than my blog. So, I think everyone who reads this will understand.

Last night the Rangers were a strike away on two different occasions and they just couldn’t do it. Josh Hamilton hit a two run home run in the 10th and they still couldn’t do it. It’s safe to say that last night was horrible, but I still had a little bit of hope. After all there was still a game seven, so even though I felt horrible I didn’t feel like it was over. Well, it’s over now and I can honestly say I want last night back. Last night was freaking amazing, the Rangers still had a chance to win the World Series! That chance is gone, at least ‘til next season. However, the likelihood of going to three World Series in a row cannot be good, so I feel like this might be it for a while. Maybe my mind will change on that, but not right now.

I didn’t watch the last two innings. I just sat on my porch and thought about why I was so depressed and dejected. And, even though I thought the answer was a simple, “The Rangers lost in the World Series.” It’s much deeper than that. I’m depressed because I was counting on the Rangers to make my life better, to make all this stress of the real world go away. At least for a few days I could forget about it all and celebrate something I have wanted to see my whole life. But, that didn’t happen and now I am back in the real world and it sucks.

It shouldn’t suck, though. I shouldn’t depend on some sports team to make my life happier. Sports are here as a bonus in life, not a lifeline. So, this winter I plan to make my life better. I plan to live. And, I plan to root for the home team when the calendar hits April 2012.

Randy Galloway

2011-10-14T12:40:00.001-07:00

Roses are red and violets are blue
No one is better at spewing shit than you
You watch a few playoff baseball games and consider yourself an expert
But we all know where your heart lies with the big star on your sweatshirt
You are actually a sports writer, how did you get so lucky?
When the stuff you write is so sucky.

Violets are blue and roses are red
My mind still can’t get over the insane stuff you said
Reading your articles is such a beating
Hating on our star pitcher
But do you remember what he did all season?
No you probably don’t since you didn’t watch
You were prepping for Cowboy season and drinking scotch
I don’t care what you have to say
Fuck off, Randy Galloway.

I just don't know

2011-07-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

At first this blog post was going to be about how I wanted to be a woman but that would have been too short of a post. It is clear why I want to be a woman, so I can play with my boobs, of course. That is the only upside. What else is there? Bleeding and pushing fucking humans out of your body? That is disgusting.

The fact is, I don't know what to write about. I know this is a baseball blog, however I have found when I write about baseball, I lose my excitement for it. Believe it or not it's hard to write about something you love so much, it's why I can never write about masturbating. Writing about nothing is when I always end up with something. Now I am not saying its a good "something" but at least its something. I don't like deadlines either, I mean who would? Just look at the word, "deadline." It is possibly the most boring/frightening word, ever. It starts out with death and ends with a line. How exciting can a line be? I've never met an exciting line in my life.

That is why I don't like having a deadline being put on my passion. Would you want someone to put a deadline on building model airplanes? No. You do it cause you love it, why else would you waste your time building model airplanes?

You may be asking yourself how this post started out about being a woman and ended up being about deadlines. But to me that is the beauty of it. Fuck it. Fuck deadlines. Fuck subjects.

Baseball is back!

2011-03-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

We have survived the long harsh winter and now it's time for some baseball. I love the winter and the cold, the snow and even the ice. Winter would be my favorite season if it wasn't for one thing and that one thing? There is no baseball. Every winter I'm just stuck waiting for the Rangers to start playing again. Every year I go through this period where I think "Maybe I won't be so addicted this season." And every year that never comes true, in fact my love for the game just intensifies.

Last year my predictions failed miserably. The rangers went all the way to the World Series, I believe I had them finishing last. This year is no different. The rangers will finish last and I expect Seattle to make a strong push into first place leaving everyone in a coffee like dust. I'm a ranger fan, but I'm also realistic and I just don't think anyone can get past Seattle. I'll still watch every game, and I'll still go out and support the Rangers, but I'll do it with a closed mind. A closed heart, knowing no one can stop the train of Seattle, not even Denzel Washington. So I'd like to take this time to congratulate Seattle and to say to Ranger fans DO NOT be discouraged. We'll get back to the World Series one day, let Seattle have their fun. The price of gold is way up and King Felix has a shit load of it.

Saddle up everyone...it's gonna be a long season.

Cliff Lee is gone

2010-12-14T16:22:00.000-08:00

I decided to write a little script of how the Lee, Rangers time together would have played out if it would have been a boy/girl relationship.

Click on the link below to read.

http://freepdfhosting.com/6920ba67bc.pdf

It's time

2010-11-02T14:31:00.001-07:00

It's time was the slogan for the 2010 season and I thought it was kind of corny, but it certainly wasn't the worst slogan I've heard. It kind of got me going, I mean it's freaking time. We've waited long enough, some of our prospects are finally up and we added some veterans to help us balance it out. It's time. Let's do it. No more waiting for the playoffs, I want the playoffs now. The playoffs we got in this magical 2010 season and when I say magical I really mean it. That is the only way to describe what we saw this 2010 season, I mean sure I wanted them go to the playoffs this year, but did I expect it? Not so much. They proved me wrong and everyone else wrong this season. Not only did they go to the playoffs, they made it to the freaking World Series. At first the playoffs were just in someway gratifying, and it was "wow maybe I'm not incredible crazy for caring about this team so much" then after we beat the Rays it was just pure joy. What an amazing feeling it is having the team you care so much about make it to the championship. It was so sweet and so much fun to watch this team play this season, it was never boring. At times frustrating but it was never boring and that is because the guys on this team are so much fun to watch, so much. Sure you got the Claw and Antlers but if you know baseball and you play baseball you can tell when someone truly appreciates it. They appreciate it and watching this whole season it makes me appreciate baseball more.

Every playoff game I went to I always took a moment just to soak it in. The first playoff game this year I remember sitting in my seat way way up and just seeing all the towels flying. Now mind you I hate rally towels but it sure was nice to see at the ballpark. I always see them at Philly and to finally see them here with music playing and the crowd being pumped up. It was something I thought I'd never see at the ballpark. Then the night we won the pennant was the best night of my life. I'm so happy I was there and able to share and go crazy with other ranger fans. That night was crazy. It was like my hangover, except with no drugs or alcohol. Also no naked man jumped on me, however a guy without his shirt off gave me a hug and the smell of his funk is just now washing off of me.

So thank you to Washington, who overcame a lot this year. From the Cocaine reports to leading the team to a World Series.

Thanks to Michael Young who hasn't left this franchise and stuck with it through all the terrible times. It's finally paying off.

Thanks to Hamilton for being a Hall of Fame player and Hall of Fame guy.

Thanks to Elvis for being the 2nd best person named Elvis ever.

Thanks to Kinsler and an apology to his helmet that got pounded into the ground quite a bit.

Thanks to Neftali Feliz who throws a fastball that goes faster than my car.

Thanks to Cliff Lee for saving our butt this post-season.

Thanks to C.J. Wilson for backing up his cockiness and turning into a solid number 2 starter.

And Thanks to Josh Lewin who will no longer be announcing the games, but will always be my favorite announcer.

Oh and of course Thank you Nelly and your boomstick.

The Rangers are going to the world series

2010-10-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

The day of.

I wake up and rub my tired eyes and try to remember what day it is "Wait today is the day!" I thought. Today is the day I get to go watch the Rangers try to win the pennant! I put on my claw shirt and head out to pick up my tickets, damn do they look pretty. The amount I paid for them doesn't look pretty, but damn do they look pretty. I lean into kiss them, then I think of how many people may have touched them and I settled for a gentle rub. The rest of the day was spent just waiting to leave for the ballpark, in fact I am pretty sure I have about 5-7 text messages and calls I have just completely ignored. My friends and family can understand, though. They know what this might mean to me. The time finally came and I was ready to leave, at what time? About 3:00. I only live about 25 minutes from the ballpark so I get there before they even opened the gates for you to go inside. Of course I wasn't the only one, there is a huge line waiting to get inside at all the entrances. Like a party at the playboy mansion, if you know what I mean. There is a camera crew to my left about to go live and do a report, but luckily the gates open right before and I can sneak in without melting their cameras with my good looks.

Well, I am in here. I'm in the ballpark and I hear we might clinch it. I hear in a few hours that we could be going to the World Series. I take my red pom pom and shake the thing proudly not because I wanted to shake a pom pom, but because I am nervous. I am lucky enough to get tickets where I barely have to move to get whatever I want in the way of hotdogs or drinks. I grab a bottle of water, and I sit in my seat watching the Rangers take batting practice. Look at the clock it's 4:25 and everytime I check the clock the more I regret coming early because I can barely contain myself. Time starts to fly by as do the balls that are soaring through the sky and denting the bleacher seats, because those pansies can't catch a line drive homerun from hamilton. Skip ahead and just as the game starts to be played, it starts to rain. The tarp goes on the field "WHAT?" No it can't rain now. Not now. Not when the Rangers are 27 outs from the world series. Not when I waited all day, check that all my life waiting for them to win the pennant. No worries, though. It stopped! So here we go. The game is being played. Right away I'm on my feet because Elvis is king and he lets it be known as he rips a double into the gap, and scores on Vlad's ground out.

I think to myself how big Elvis has been. How mature he is, he just goes out there and outplays the other team like he's been there before. In reality he has been there before as Ron Washington says "It's just baseball" Elvis has played baseball his whole life and he's good at it. Colby Lewis is also good at it and he proves it to me as he doesn't allow a hit till the 5th inning. The 5th inning is really the only time I feel nervous. People around me are joking as A-Rod scored that the game is over and they're going to leave and beat the traffic. I smiled to myself and cussed them out in my mind and focused on what I have focused on for my whole now and it's baseball. Wouldn't you know it in the bottom of the 5th baseball rewarded me and everyone with the Rangers greatly. The Yankees continue to walk Hamilton, and I had a feeling Vlad would finally get that big hit. I feel it. I think the whole stadium feels it, the stadium is rocking, literally. Bam! There it is a two run double from Vlad. I can't hear anything but loud cheers. It's loud, real loud. I wouldn't cover my ears, though. No way. This is the sweetest sound I have ever heard as my eyes scan the whole stadium seeing everyone just filled with joy. 3-1 and it's starting to feel like we might actually win. Before the stadium even sits down Cruz hits a missile, a fucking happy missile. People aren't ducking away to get away from it. They're flocking to it trying to get their hands on it and if they couldn't, their hands are being spent slapping against each other. The noise is at a 10, the loudest I have ever heard the ballpark.

Skip ahead to the Eighth and Colby Lewis has a 6-1 lead. He's working on a masterpiece of a game, only allowing 3 hits to the "feared" lineup of Jeter, Swisher, A-Rod and all the other overpaid people on the Yankees. He is completely out matching them and just to prove that he's so much better than them he ends his night with a strikeout. The Stadium watches the bottom of the eighth and everyone is on their feet, not because the offense is scoring but because we're all waiting for the top of the ninth. We're all waiting for the Rangers to win the pennant! The top of the ninth is here IT'S MADNESS! Everyone is standing every single strike, every foul ball anything that resembles a strike or a foul ball. Feliz is in throwing gas and strikes more importantly. Strikes out the first batter and the noise goes from 10 to 10.5 and then he gets the second the out and the noise goes from 10.5 to 11. Two outs and one out away from something I have been waiting for my entire life. As A-rod stands in I start to think about all the times I have sat in this ballpark with only 10,000 other people. Cheering on the Rangers even though they weren't the greatest team or even one of the greatest. WAIT! ALL THESE CHEERS HOLY APPLESAUCE A-ROD STRIKES OUT! HE STRIKES OUT! THE RANGERS WIN! THE NOISE IS AT 23456789 PEOPLE ARE JUMPING OFF THE SECOND DECK! Just kidding about the last part. Michael Young comes out of his shell he was a turtle and right now he's a bunny hopping around the field high fiving fans. The noise has went from a 23456789 to a 5432678956789.

I'm in shock. My eyes water and I try to hold in my tears because I don't want the people around me to think I'm weird. Confetti lands on my nose and I don't even want to get it off. I want to stuff it up my nose and keep it there forever, but I don't think that is a good idea so I brush it off. I watch as the ceremonies take place something I've seen on tv with the Mavericks, but nothing I have ever seen in person and not with the team that I hold so close to my heart. The party doesn't end in the ballpark though as I move out of the ballpark people are cheering and chanting "Yankees suck" people are clapping, whistling, and I was high fiving every person that wanted to high five. High fives are back. Cars were honking which I am sure made the Yankees feel right at home. This honking was "HEY I'M SO EXCITED BUT I AM STUCK IN THE CAR AND WELL FUCK I'M GOING TO HONK" not "I NEED TO GET TO MY BORING ASS JOB BUT I'M STUCK IN ALL THIS FUCKING TRAFFIC, MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR AYE" vuvuzels were being blown, bongos were being played and newspapers were being held up. I still hadn't shed a full tear.

However as I headed to the highway there was a guy holding a t-shirt that read "A-Rod swallows Jeter" and right there I shed a tear as the best night of my life was in full blast.

Thank you Rangers, Thank you.

Rangers win first playoff series

2010-10-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not the oldest Ranger fan. I haven't been alive for as long as most but that doesn't make me any less of a fan. Anyone who knows me somewhat well knows how big of a ranger fan I am. If they want to ask a question involving the Rangers, they'll come to me. When I was 12 and everyone wanted to watch football. I'd go to Ranger games and sit in the bleachers, because I was poor. It didn't make it any less fun, though. One of my best memories as a kid/teenager was watching them comeback down 10 against Detroit. I was at that game and yeah it didn't seem like we would come back, but we did. Yeah it didn't seem like we would win after losing 2 at home but guess what? WE JUST DID! I've been a Ranger fan ever since I was a baseball fan, which is basically all my life. They never have been good and no one ever really cared about them. No one wanted to talk about the Rangers with me. I knew one day they would be the team I always saw them to be.

The team that makes me scream and jump up for joy. The team that makes me watch 2345678 hours of baseball every damn year. The team that can mess with my mood more than a girlfriend. I knew one day they would be the great team I always thought they were. Finally it's time. Finally people are talking about the Rangers with me, and it just feels so damn good. These guys are amazing. There is not one guy on the team I dislike. Every ranger game I have ever went to, and all the ribbing I have had to take from people for loving the Rangers so much. It's been rewarded. The more I think about the more I want to cry. I know a lot of people will not get having this much love for a sports team. Some people do and it was great celebrating with them on lonestarball.

It's time.

The Rays versus the Rangers

2010-10-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

So by this tomorrow the Rangers will likely be either losing or winning in their first playoff game in 11 years. I can't tell you how nervous I am right now, that is why I'm writing I just want something to make me less nervous. I've never experienced this really since I was younger when we first went, but I love the feeling. I love that everyone is talking about us and trying to break down our team, it's a nice change from always being ignored. Yeah we're still kind of being ignored because we play all of our games before fucking 5 pm but what can you do? Well you can win the ALDS and go to the ALCS where you will get primetime. For the rangers season to feel like a success we have to win this series, at least that is how I'm looking at it. Yeah the playoffs are nice, but I mean if you get knocked out in the first round you're only play an extra week of baseball. Plus it would be the fourth time now that the Rangers get knocked out in the first round. We need some success.

What fun is it going to be if we're down 2-0 coming back to Arlington, and we lose? It'll be the most depressing feeling I have felt with this team in a long time. We need to get the stadium hopping, and we need to win the series. Preferably you'd like to do it at home. The stadium would be going nuts and I have a feeling it'd be the craziest atmosphere ever at the ballpark.

We need to win.

Texas Rangers AL West Champs!

2010-09-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you get excited because someone in your family is having a baby, or maybe you're finally in love with someone. Maybe you got a new job. The point is you're excited and today all Ranger fans are having a baby, falling in love, and they got a new job. We have been unemployed for 11 years now and we've been miserable, single, no money, and no family. Today we have it all back, we can go buy clothes now and tell people what it's like to fall in love. Now people who aren't attached to a team like most of us are will not understand this. They may be asking themselves "How did they go so long without a job?" well a lot of faith is the answer. Faith in our team. Faith that they would one day pick up the greensheet and find a job. Finally we got hired. I was younger back in 1999 so I didn't fully appreciate what was going on. I liked the Rangers then, but I also liked riding my bike and playing truth or dare, chewing an insane amount of gum, and wondering if Chelsea really did like me or if my friends were pulling my leg. Now I'm addicted to the Rangers. I can fully appreciate it now and it is amazing.

I think the thing that was most amazing was Michael Young after the last out. You could tell that he was genuinely happy and glad he stuck with the Rangers so long. This is his team and he is leading his team into the playoffs for the first time. The times of first round sweeps in the playoffs are gone. We have ourselves a new job and it pays well.

A conversation with Alfonzo Marquez

2010-09-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

Me: Thanks for taking the time out to do this interview, Alfonzo.

Alfonzo: You're welcome. By the way you have a nice cat.

Me: I don't have a cat.

Alfonzo: Oh sorry. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. Thought it was a cat, but it was a dog.

Me: Oh that's okay. So I wanted to talk to you about the play that ended the game today. Did you see it happen?

Alfonzo: Yeah, out of the corner of my eye.

Me: Do you often find that things you see out of the corner of your eye should end a baseball game?

Alfonzo: Yeah, I never miss something out of the corner of my eye. I have 20-20 corner of the eye vision.

Me: So what did you see?

Alfonzo: I saw Anderson grab Young by the waist, and basically push him onto the bag. It was ridiculous how they thought they could get away with that. I mean they think I'm stupid? No. I'll catch that even if I'm not looking at them.

Me: Have you looked at the replay?

Alfonzo: No, my corner of the eye vision has been proven to be more accurate than a replay. Things on video can be altered.

Me: Right, right.

Alfonzo: Did you see that?

Me: What?

Alfonzo: Exactly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw your dog grab your sunglasses from the ground. You didn't even see it.

Me: I don't own sunglasses. That was his raw-hide.

Alfonzo: Did you see him grab it, though?

Me: No, I'm afraid I didn't.

Alfonzo: Then, shutup.

Me: So what did Young say to you?

Alfonzo: He told me all the things my wife tells me. "You're stupid" "You can't see" "Fuck you motherfucker" "I hate you"

Me: What did you tell him?

Alfonzo: That he doesn't have 20-20 corner eye vision.

Me: Do you enjoy dr. pepper?

Alfonzo: Yes.

Booing Colby Lewis.

2010-08-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

On August 29th Colby Lewis had one of his few bad games. He's been a very solid pitcher for the Rangers and has had some terribly luck in his past few starts. He's been stuck at 9 wins for way too long but hasn't seemed to let it get to him. After today's game though the frustration came through and during his postgame interview he mentioned how he didn't appreciate getting booed. He was "disappointed" and thought "our fans were better than that" now the people that were booing him were not right. If they knew anything about the team they would know that he is one of our best pitchers and if anybody should be booed right now it's the lineup as a whole. Let's go further than that. You don't boo a guy going out there doing his best giving the team a chance to win. You don't boo again who wears glasses when he's not pitching looks like an average joe, yet can pitch like a #2 starter. You don't boo that guy, no. You wanna know who you boo?

Boo yourself. Look in the mirror, and boo yourself. This team is in first place by 7.5 games and you wanna boo cause the game you happened to see was a bad one. BOO YOURSELF! Go do it now then come back and talk to me and apologize to Colby. Should Colby had kept his mouth shut? Probably. BUT YOU DON'T BOO A GUY WHO IS GOING OUT THERE GIVING IT HIS ALL YOU JUST DON'T DO IT! I mean come on, guys. Come on. You look at his record and see 9-11 and you probably think he sucks. Don't lie to me, you think he sucks. Well how about you look at real stats and watch the games? How about that, you fat drunk. I bet the kid who was sitting next to you was wondering why your fat self was booing one of the best pitchers on the team. I hope he put nachos on your chair angels in the outfield style. Knowing your fatass though you probably ate them, you sick fat bastard. I bet the only time you stood up during the whole game was so that you could boo him.

Stretch those sausage links you call legs. Walk a little bit. I mean I know rolling up those escalators was tiring for you but maybe you would have lost a few pounds if you took the stairs, you fatty. Go to a gym with a big mirror, and while you're running on the treadmill just boo your fucking self. Boo those pounds off you miserable dip shit.

The mantis

2010-08-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

It all started in Baltimore the place where no one goes for vacation, according to "ab03" then again that is fucking hyperbole, you bitch. Anyways it started there. Baltimore the city of I don't fucking know but it has to have something, right? Well it does now. It's the starting ground for the great Mantis. The rally fucking Mantis who started a 4 game winning streak for us! The rangers crew interviewed a kid during the game who happened to find a wild mantis, and proceeded to let it crawl all over him. This of course started a meme on lonestarball.com the greatest website ever. Besides this one, of course. The Mantis became huge! People were posting any picture of the Mantis they could find, and after we won it became even bigger. There was even some connection to the cockroach and as we all know Arias got DFA'D two days later, I believe after the Mantis game. The rangers won three straight games after baltimore against the first place Twins and I'd like to think it was because of the Mantis partly. So would hundreds of other people on lonestarball and I wouldn't want to disagree with them, trust me you don't want to do it.

The Mantis became the greatest thing to hit lonestarball since Knox fell off the skateboard, while racing a skateboarding dog. After four days and four wins straight the Mantis drew attention to the great people of Rangers ballpark. Leading the great people is Chuck Morgan if you don't know who he is, you should. He is the best person. Well, he's tied with the new part owner of the Rangers, Chuck Greenberg. The two apparently found out about the Mantis and liked it so much they wanted lonestarball's pictures of the Mantis, to put on the Big Screen at the ballpark. So I thought why not make something real quick, and see what happens? So I did and it made it on the Big Screen! Something I made was on the Big Screen at the ballpark where my favorite team plays. I know it's a geeky thing to get excited about, but I'm very excited. Thank you Chuck and Chuck for giving a fan a very exciting moment on a very sucky day. That's baseball for you.

A list of jokes

2010-08-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm going to come up with jokes on the spot in this blog as I write. Here we go.

So a bunny and a rabbit walk into a bar and the bartender asks "Are you two twins?"

If a banana fell off a counter what would it say? "Oh that's gonna bruise"

A banana and a penis walk into a bar and the bartender asks "Are you two twins?"

A taco and a vagina walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What would you like to drink?"

There once was a boy named Johnny and he had hair down to his ass, and a boy asked him "Why do you have such long hair?" and Johnny replied "Because I haven't cut it yet"

What do you call a person who weighs over 400 pounds? Fat.

How many tigers would it take in order to take over the world? 543.

Why did the emo boy cross the road? Cause he didn't have a car.

What did the cow say to the chicken? "Moo"

How many Jersey Shore cast members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to pull the other one away from it.

Mark Cuban and the Texas Rangers

2010-08-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

There is some speculation going on that Mark Cuban might end up being the owner of the Texas Rangers. Yes the dude in the picture. Yes it's true I picked a silly picture of him to show how silly he is, and that might not be exactly fair oh well though. Mark Cuban is obviously not just silly he is a very smart man. Look at what all he has done. He owns a freaking NBA team for crying out loud. A pretty good NBA team. I mean sure they can't win a championship, but as a Ranger fan I have no room to talk. I've watched my share of Dallas Mavericks game, and I know about Mark Cuban. I know how he acts on the sidelines, and the silly things he says and I know how much some people hate him. Me? I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him. I kind of like him, and I like his passion for the team. My only worry is that its passion for basketball and the Mavericks. Where is his sudden interest for the Rangers coming from? Is it his love of baseball and the Rangers? I doubt it. You doubt it. We all doubt it. It would be fun to see how into it he would get, though. Come with me in my dream land and lets visit what it'd be like if Mark Cuban went to the booth with Josh and Tag.

Josh: We're back, and we're lucky enough to have the new owner of the Texas Rangers in the booth. Mark Cuban. How are you doing, Mark?

Mark: I am doing great. So happy that this thing is settled now, and we can look forward to keep
building this team into the dynasty it needs to be.

Tag: When did you decide that you might be really interested in buying the Rangers?

Mark: Well at first I wasn't really interested, oh what the fuck? Did you even see that ump? Shit that was the length of my dick plus 5 inches outside. Where the fuck is your dog? You blind piece of shit. Anyways like I was saying I wasn't interested in them at first. You know I was interested in the Cubs, but it didn't work out. Then the Rangers increasingly became more interesting to me. So I decided to bite the bullet. Plus they're in the same area where the Mavericks are, and it just seemed right.

Josh: How much of the interest came after they had a commanding lead in their division?

Josh giggles a bit.

Mark: Ha you know it's funny you asked because believe it or not it was actually....oh COME ON! WHAT THE FUCK UMP! He was halfway into the outfield before the ball got to first. I could have made that call with your mom's titties in my face. You sack of shit. How did you get hired? How many cocks did you blow? Really honestly how many? I want to know. I'm asking seriously. Like I said though it was actually before they started playing well.

Tag: You're going to have so many apologies to say after the break. I once said "shit" on air, and it was bad. Oh shit I said it again. Motherfucker now I'm going to have to act like I care, and say sorry.

Josh: One and one the count to Borbon.

Mark: Make that two balls if the ump wasn't A BLIND FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Josh: You know they do their best out there. It's a hot day out there.

Mark: Oh what are you? Their publicist? Don't you have a chargers game to announce?

Tag: We have some goodies in the booth tonight. Thank you to Aretha Lanks for the wonderful batch of oatmeal pies she sent in today. Said they're homemade, so thank you very much Aretha.

Mark: Homemade my ass. I tasted one, and it taste just like little debbies. Aretha learn how to cook, and try again.

Josh: Borbon is out on a bunt attempt, and that concludes our time with Mark. Thanks for coming up.

Mark: Fuck you.

Hmmmm........bring on the cubes!

Cliff Lee don't leave

2010-07-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

I am confident in the fact that somehow Cliff Lee will end up reading this very entry to my blog, so I am going to try my best to plead for him to stay with Rangers. I have loved the Rangers forever, and have been obsessed with them forever. I'm the guy who would rather stay at home and watch a game then go out and possibly get laid at a club. Not that I would ever do that because clubs scare the fuck out of me, but you get the point, Cliff. When the Rangers sucked horribly for about 10 years I was still their biggest fan, and even when my friends made fun of me my obsession stayed strong. Besides the Rangers sucking for 10 years straight you know what else happened in those 10 years? They never had a true ace. Never, ever. Never a pitcher of your quality. Sure we're used to a few home runs now and then, but the truth is I'd take a 1-0 game over a 10-7 game any day. Ranger fans haven't been able to truly appreciate a great pitcher in a long awhile, and now we can. I'm appreciating the fuck out of it. I've never seen anything like it as a Ranger fan. Chan Ho Park wasn't even one merry go round. You're fucking Disney Wand. That is world and land combined.

Us Ranger fans we're fawning over you. You're Elvis, and we're your fans who are throwing their underwear on your mound. Please let us enjoy it for more than a few months. You're likable, and not a douche so do the world a favor and stay with the Rangers. The Yankees? Fuck the Yankees. Be different Lee. Be the leader of a team that is taking off, and won't look back for a long time. You'll just be another superstar on the Yankees. You'll be the superstar on the Rangers with a whole bunch of very capable robin's to carry you to the rings that'll be placed on your fingers. I promise to go to as many games as I can. I promise that I'll tell everyone about you, and I promise I'll always truly and enjoy and appreciate it when you pitch. It's a treat. Not just any treat. It's a running down the Ice Cream Truck treat when you're 10 and it's hot outside, and the only thing that you want is something frozen and in the shape of a rocket with bright colors. That's you, Lee. You're the rocket, and we're the fuel.

Let's go to space together.

That's baseball for you.

Dear Cricket.

2010-07-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

Cliff Lee won his first game as a ranger, and the rangers are six up on the Angels, but you rain on my parade cricket. You chirp, and chirp. You're stuck in my a/c, and I can't get you out. I choose to believe you're chirping out of excitement for the rangers, but even that is not calming the rage that is building inside me at you. I don't want to hurt you, cricket. Not that I could since you're hiding like a little punk, but still even if I saw you I wouldn't hurt you. I'd just put you outside, but no you choose to hide and chirp. I don't know if you know this or not, but your chirping is very annoying. Sure I have an ipod, and I am currently drowning out your annoying chirping with music, but I can't sleep with blaring music in my ear, and I can hardly sleep with an annoying cricket chirping in my house. Guess what that is, cricket? It's a lose lose situation. I have stuff to do tomorrow, cricket. What are you going to do? Nothing. Now I am hoping we can agree on something before it's time for me to sleep. Maybe we can become friends, and I'll take you out to eat. I can put you in peoples food and laugh when they freak out seeing a cricket in their food. We can go watch other crickets, and see which ones you like.

I'll be your wingman so you can get some. Whatever crickets get, you'd be getting it. I'm willing to maybe drive you to a new home. Maybe a mansion somewhere that has really hot women living in it. Just please stop chirping, please. I ask you this as a friend.

Love your friend, cricket lover101.

P.S. Chirp.

Rap song coming soon

2010-07-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah I am working on a rap song that I wrote for the rangers its entitled "We are the rangers" It's fully written. I just have to record it, and add some fresh beats to the mix. I'll post it on here and lonestarball.com

I'll give you a little sneak peak of the song.

"We haven't made the playoffs in over 10 years
And when you come to our ballpark we limit your beers
But you know thats ok, and that's alright
Cause we're crushing homers on your team all night.
We got a pitcher who just came back from japan
And a GM who has a master plan
A slick fielding shortstop who could just be god
And an Ex-Owner who basically got away with fraud"

So yeah. It's going to be horrible, and rapped by a white boy (me) who is not eminem. Look forward to it if you have low expectations.

The day of Lee

2010-07-10T21:51:00.001-07:00

A young male wakes up from his five hours of sleep, and rolls around in bed trying to gain the strength to put a foot on the floor. As he walked towards the bathroom door he started to remember what day it was. The day he got to watch Cliff Lee pitch for the Texas Rangers! His morning wood got even woodier and his pee streamed out ever so slowly, but who fucking cares it's the day of Cliff Lee! What could possibly go wrong? Could anything really mess with the force of Cliff Lee? NO WAY! The young male got dressed, and skipped breakfast because Cliff Lee was the only protein he needed for the day. He got his laptop and logged onto lonestarball.com his favorite blog that covers all Ranger news. Cliff Lee was all over the place. On the front page, and not only that but almost all the comments mentioned him in some way. This made the young male anticipate the game even more! It's going to be great he thought. Cliff fucking Lee pitching for the Texas Rangers against Baltimore? Someone call my aunt cause this shit is over.

As he drives in his car to run some errands he notices a lady on the side of the road with a flat tire. He was in such a good mood that he decided to stop! I mean why not? It's Cliff Lee day nothing could go wrong.

Young male: Excuse me, miss? You need any help?

Lady: Oh, I don't know. My tire decided to go flat on me, and I've tried calling my husband to fix it but he's still asleep

Young male: Well, I can help you. I've changed a few tires before, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Lady: Oh that would be lovely. It's so embarrassing being stuck on the side of the road like this. People look at you like you're the scum of the earth.

Young male: Yeah, I know what you mean.

The young male starts to work on the ladies car working up a sweat, and getting dirty. He didn't care, though. It was Cliff Lee day! He was doing a good deed that wouldn't take too much time, and then he'd be off to do errands and watch Cliff Lee! As he started to take the tire off the ladie's phone rang, and she quickly picked it up.

Lady: Hello?

Lady: I tried calling you five fucking times, and you didn't pick up. I had a flat tire on my way to pick up YOUR dry cleaning.

Lady: No, it's fine I don't need you to come now. Some guy is already helping me, so I'll call you back once he's done.

Lady: No! I'm fine. He's short, and doesn't look like he'd hurt me. Even if he tried I don't think he could.

Lady: Look I'll watch him. Now let me go see if needs help before he hurts himself. Bye.

As she hangs up the phone the young male smiles as he overheard most of the conversation. He didn't say anything though.

Lady: How are you doing with it?

Young male: Just fine. I am putting on your spare now, and you should be back on the road in no time.

Lady: Thank you so much. You've really helped me out.

Young male: It's no problem!

About 15 minutes passed by and he was done. He picked himself off of the ground letting out a grunt and wiped his hands on his pants as he watched the cars speed by him on the street.

Young male: All done! You should be fine now till you can get a new tire on there.

Lady: THANK YOU! You don't know how much stress you have saved me. I feel like I should give you something, but my husband would kill me if I gave any money right now. We're low enough as it is.

Young male: Oh it's fine you don't need to give me anything. I did it to be nice. I didn't expect anything.

Lady: No, No, No. I must give you something. I tell you what get in the back of my car.

The young male had a questioning look on his face, but he doesn't ask any questions he just gets in the backseat. He sits nervously as she gets in behind him.

Lady: I'm going to give you a blow job. Then you're going to get out of the car, and leave. No talking, or anything.

The young male nods as he is unable to talk because his mouth is as dry as somewhere with no humidity. She proceeds to do oral fixations on him for about 10 minutes before the deed is done. He exits out of the car looking around cautiously before heading to his car. "Wow" he thought to himself as he got in his car. "I just got a fucking blow job for changing a tire this really is Cliff Lee day!" he was as excited as he had ever been in his life. He watched as the lady drove away on her new spare tire that he put on there for her. As she took off, the tire blew off the car and she swerved off the road running into a street sign.

Young male: Shit, shit, shit, shit!

He jumped out of the car and ran to the car, checking to see if she was alright. When he got to the car the airbag had deployed, and her nose and lip was busted up. Opening the door for her she limped out of the car.

Lady: What the fuck did you do to my car?

Young male: I don't know! I thought it was on there right, shit. I just wanted to do my errands and now all the sudden I got a fucking blowjob, and almost killed the person who gave me one.

Lady: Shut up! Don't even fucking mention that again. Just please go. I'll take care of this. Just go.

Young male: Are you sure? I can give you like my number, or something. Insurance? Money? Oral sex?

Lady: Just go! GO!

The young male ran back to his car and sped away. As he weaved in and out of traffic he tried to process what just happened "Cliff Lee day, tire, blow job, crash, getaway" it all sounded like basic instinct. Except this was no movie. This was Cliff Lee day and nothing was going to ruin it. He thought "you know what? fuck it. I'm gonna run my errands. Chill at the house and then go see Cliff Lee" so he did his errands, and made it back home about an hour later. It was now two pm and he needed to leave the house at about six. So he still had plenty of time to waste. He decided he'd go outside in the backyard and give his dog some attention. He hadn't been playing ball with it like he should, and he felt bad for neglecting it, so he went outside and threw the tennis ball back and forth. "Give me the ball" and "Go get it" were common phrases. Then something happened as he came back he didn't have the ball this time. He had a baby bird egg and he was carrying it gently in his mouth. "What in the world is that?" the young male asked apparently not knowing dogs couldn't talk. Sliding his hand in the dogs mouth he pulled out the egg and carefully laid it down on the patio table. He examined it making sure it wasn't cracked then he put it on a blanket and left it there. He didn't see a nest anywhere, so he didn't know what to do.

As he watched it for awhile it started to hatch! What a miracle this was he was watching a miracle happening right in front of his eyes. Birth the magical gift of birth. No matter who is giving it. Whether it be a human or an animal it's a miracle. His eyes stared at the egg as his beak pecked away at the shell. What he didn't notice was big momma bird coming right for his head. The bird started to attack his head pecking furiously at him. "SHIT! FUCKING BIRD GET OFF OF ME!" He yelled and ran back inside. "Mother fucking fuck" he said as he rubbed his head looking outside the padio window. As the bird paid attention to the baby bird. The young male was visibly pissed off as he checked his head to make sure it wasn't bleeding. "Alright no blood. I can manage it's Cliff fucking Lee day!" He said as he started to get ready for the game. The time has come he was now on his way to see Cliff Lee pitch! Cliff fucking Lee one of the best pitchers in the game was going to start for the Texas Rangers today! Not only that it's against Baltimore. It's just going to be great he just knew it. Cliff Lee was the center man in the last supper photo, and the young male was lucky to be at the table. The young male pulled into a parking lot by the stadium paying 10 bucks to park. Thinking about how annoying it was that you pay 10 dollars just to talk a mile, but whatever right? It's Cliff Lee day. As he walked into the stadium a guy approached him

A guy: Hey want a free ticket?

Young male: Oh I am sorry I got one already, but thanks.

A guy: Mine are first row though! First base side.

Young male: Why would you be giving away those?

A guy: Because I'm supposed to be on a blind date tonight, and the tickets got all messed up. So in order to sit together we had to settle for tickets up higher.

Young male: Well thanks for the offer, but I'm fine with my ticket. Good luck man.

The young male causally walked away "Can you believe that guy? Thinking I'd fall for that" he thought. As he was handing his ticket to the worker a guy came up behind him and did the same.

Worker: Wow first row and first base side huh? How'd you manage that?

A guy 2: Some guy just gave me it.

"Fuck" the young male basically screamed in his head. He had a chance to get first row, and first base side tickets to a Cliff Lee start! He passed them up like an idiot, and had to settle for midway up on the third base side. As he walked to take his seat he calmed down a bit and kept saying "Cliff Lee day" to himself over and over. Cliff fucking Lee day. "I'm still at the ballpark getting to watch Cliff Lee" he thought as he was suddenly happy again as he sat down in his seat just as the Michael Young ceremony was ending.

Old guy next to young male: You missed Young's ceremony!

Young male: I know. Perfect timing huh?

Old guy next to young male: It was a nice ceremony he's been the rock for this team. You're not a ranger fan if you don't like him.

Young male: Oh don't get me wrong. I like him, and I love that he's stayed with the ball club even after they have sucked for so long. Just not sure I'd want to sit through an awkward ceremony for 15 minutes.

The old Guy next to young male glared at the young male before turning his back to him and back on the field. "Fucking old guy is pissing on me" he thought. But you know what? Fuck him and his prostate. "It's Cliff Lee day" he thought. Once again he got happy. The happiness would turn into a sheer orgasm as Cliff Lee took to the mound, and swiped his finger right on it. Cliff Lee was standing on the mound with a rangers jersey on! Holy effin' crap. I'm just the author of this story, and I am excited! So anyways Cliff Lee tossed a few warm-up pitches, and he was ready. Ready to be a fucking badass on that mound. He was ready to fuck Baltimore in it's mouth, and then not even have the courtesy to tell them when he was cumming. Baltimore was about to be a team full of players with cum in their mouth. Not just anyone's cum. Cliff Lee's cum. Honor, or disgrace? You be the judge. His first pitch went towards the catchers mitt, but it never hit it. Because it was roped for a hit. The second pitch went towards the catchers mitt, but it never hit it. Because it was hit as well. Two pitches in, and they had their teeth tightly clamped on Cliff Lee's dick. The young male thought "You know it's just nerves. I'd be nervous too! It's Cliff Lee day" so as expected Cliff Lee cruised into the 4th inning without another run being scored.

Things were looking up, and spirits were high, but then the homeruns came. Balitmore took a 3-0 lead. Meanwhile the rangers were being no hit. As the game went on they bit harder on Cliff's dick as he gave up another homerun and six runs in total. The rangers offense didn't have a hit till the 7th fucking inning and only managed one run. Cliff Lee threw a complete game as the young male hoped, but it just happened to be a six run loss complete game. The young male was in a piss poor mood, and stormed out of the stadium and made it way back to his car where he sat for a moment. "It's Cliff Lee day" He still thought to himself "He was nervous and he had a long day yesterday. Plus he wasn't terrible, right? only 90 something pitches and a complete game. Saved our bullpen. It's Cliff Lee day" The young male was quickly in a better mood, and was hungry for some wendys. He drove by the Wendy's drive thru on his way home, and ordered his meal.

Young male: Yes I'd like a number 5 and Dr. Pepper for the drink.

Worker 2: We're out of Dr. Pepper.

Young male: Fuck Cliff Lee day.

The end.

The All-Star game.

2010-07-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

The selections have been announced, and I don't care about the N.L. so if you want to know about their All-Stars go to mlb.com if you don't know what that is it's the major league baseball website. You can find scores, and news on Major League Baseball. Now about the A.L. Five rangers got in. Two starters Josh Hamilton, and Vladimir Guerrero. Reserves Elvis Andrus, and Neftali Feliz and Ian Kinsler. Five also happens to be the number of Ian's jersey just a fun fact for you. Thought I'd try out my announcing skills since they're always doing something like that. Random shit no one cares about. "Young has 23 doubles on the year, and 23 was the age the Rangers got Young" Wow amazing. nyways the All-Star game and the Home Run Derby are things I enjoy. Some people hate both, and thats because they suck and don't know how to have fun. If you have a league that doesn't have fun then you know what you have? The NFL. You know how their players have fun? They go to bars and get in fights. Strip joints. Shoot their foot. Fight dogs, and even change tires for people on the side of the road.

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT HAVING ENOUGH FUN! Baseball players shove cream in each others face, and light shoes on fire. Sing in the dugout and do cool little handshakes. The NFL has butt slaps, and thats about it. Also you hardly ever see a baseball manager chew out one of his players on camera. The NFL everytime someone comes back to the sideline one of the coaches go down their throat. Shit I'd go to a bar and shoot my fucking foot too. The All-Star game and Home Run Derby bring fun. "Oh the Home Run Derby messes up my swing" You've been playing baseball all your life, and you're telling me you can't take one night off and just fucking swing the bat? That is really going to mess up you're swing? No it's not. Because I guarantee you that they do it more than once a year just fucking around with their buddies. It's all about curses and superstition. It's in their hands that it will mess up their swing so no one wants to do it. It'd be like going to a Kelly Clarkson concert and she never belted out a long loud note because she heard it can hurt your throat the next day.

People forget how to have fun. Just because you're emotionally involved in something, and care a lot about it doesn't mean you still can't have fun with it. Because at the end of the day what is it you're obsessing over? Baseball. Fucking baseball. If you can't have fun while playing/watching baseball then just slam your hand in your briefcase and fuck off. Stop breaking down the stats, and finding out who got snubbed. Just enjoy it. If this was the last All-Star game to be played do you want to remember it by who got snubbed. Or how much fun you had just watching it with your buddies? Just enjoy it. I try to enjoy everything. Like yesterday I had to go shopping with a bunch of other people. I fucking hate shopping, and we were shopping for five hours (which is the number of all-stars the rangers have) you think I'd be pissed. You know what? I was at first, but then I thought about it. Why be pissed off? Just have fun with it. So I decided in every store we went to I'd yell out a random phrase.

In Old Navy I yelled "Train stations are cool!" My friends scattered quickly. In Barnes and Noble I yelled "Cheetos aren't as good when puffed" My friends scattered quickly. In Dillards I yelled "Monkey Monkey rocking everywhere rocking everywhere" And my friends laughed, and joined in.

Have fun.

That's baseball for you.

Breaking up

2010-07-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

Normally I post funny stuff about baseball well not funny stuff. I post stuff about baseball, and usually it's not serious. Recently though I had a break up with my girlfriend of over two years and its fucking hard. I think its going to be for the best in the long run, and thats why I did it but it doesn't make it any less hard right now. Because you're living right now. You're not in the future yet. Right now it still hurts and right now theres still part of me that whats to take it all back. It wasn't working though there was more arguments than there were good times, and it wasn't healthy. If we both kept doing that then we might stop loving each other or something, and I don't want to ever get to that point with her because I do love and care about her a lot. As long she'll let me be in her life I'll be in it. I just think I realized as a couple we might just not work. As much as I wanted it too and denied it for a long time it just won't work.

It really sucks and I just want it to be all over with like I want it to a year in the future already and maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Right now it is and I'm sure it will be for awhile. I just hope she doesn't hate me completely and still want to be in contact because I don't want to lose her. Love is a weird thing, and after something like this it makes me not want to be in a relationship ever again because what if this happens again? I don't want it to happen again, but that is life right? Just like baseball you're going to fail sometimes, but maybe in the end it doesn't look so bad. If you go 0 for 4 in 8 innings and then hit a walkoff homerun the night doesn't look as bad. So maybe thats life and maybe you go 0 for 5 and then you walkoff with the right person, and maybe the right person is the person you don't think is right, right now. Who fucking knows really. Right now though I want to stay in the dugout for awhile, maybe talk with my friends, chew on sunflower seeds trying to break the shell of pain that I am in, and then maybe when the time calls I'll pick up my bat, and take another swing. If I miss then I'll try again.

Thats life for you.

I once saw

2010-06-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

I once saw a dog with three legs
I once saw a 15 year old chugging on 2 kegs
I once saw a 15 year old pass out drunk
I once saw someone put a dog in their trunk
I once saw someone chugging down some milk
I once saw someone wearing nothing but silk
I once saw a tree with no leaves
I once saw someone trusting someone who no one believes
I once saw a car with only two tires
I once saw ads in the newspaper sellers and buyers
I once saw a guy with 10 rings on his finger
I once saw a bee with no stinger
I once saw a dead bee with no stinger
I once saw someone letting it linger
I once saw a homeless man with a car
I once saw a guy named alonozo alazar
I once saw a movie with no point
I once saw a guy smoking a joint
I once saw a house with no roof
I once saw someone with one toof
I once saw a kid with chocolate on his face
I once saw someone acting like a big disgrace
I once saw someone with their pants half way down
I once saw a pretty girl with a big frown
I once saw a duck bathing in a pond
I once saw someone with a cape and a wand
I once saw a cow with no spots
I once saw someone with a phone
I once saw someone who was afraid to call home
I once saw someone who was very depressed
I once saw someone who had their feelings suppressed
I once saw someone getting abused
I once saw someone who was bruised
I once saw a rainbow on a sunny day
I once saw a someone wearing a jacket in the month of may
I once saw a telephone pole that was worn down
I once saw someone who was not a king wearing a crown
I once saw people fighting over a girl
I once saw a necklace made of pearl
I once saw some strangers fighting over a parking space
I once saw my ex-step father spit in my moms face
I once saw people coming together
I once saw a couple that believed in forever
I once saw a kid who didn't have a clue
I once saw three man painted in blue
I once saw a popstar shave off her hair
I once saw people laugh at her and despair
I once saw someone falling off a roof
I once saw someone being a goof
I once saw someone laughing
I once saw a work place with no staffing
I once saw a piece of chicken with another piece of chicken and cheese with no bun
I once saw someone who weighed a ton
I once saw one person screw over many
I once saw someone who only had a penny
I once saw someone who had a million dollars
I once saw a human wearing dog collars
I once saw two cars collide
I once saw someone slide down a slide
I once saw a video go worldwide
I once saw just how much love can provide
I once saw a movie that was a beating
I once saw a dog in need of a cleaning
I once saw a whole world searching for meaning.

Texas Rangers on an 11 game winning streak .

2010-06-25T05:03:00.002-07:00

Yeah so my predictions aren't looking so good. The Texas Rangers are on freaking fire they've won 11 straight games. If you're counting at home that is 11. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11. I couldn't count to 11 till I was 11. I wouldn't say I was dropped on the head as a child as I was banged repeatedly. My parents always said they were just trying to get the ants off, but I never felt any bites. Maybe cause they were getting them off. Any event the rangers are on fire. Hamilton is on fire. Have you noticed that if you say someone is on fire everyone thinks you mean it in a good way? What if your friend really was on fire and you were like "JOHN IS ON FIRE GUYS JOHN HE'S ON FUCKING FIRE!" and they just sit there "Yeah he's a cool dude. Why is he on fire though?" then it keeps going on and on. Dangerous trends going on in the world right now, but what can you do? Make a stupid song about it then get on American Idol, and become the spokesperson for the anti pant sagging group? Thats not going to change much.

What was this about again? Oh yeah the rangers winning 11 straight. Their second longest streak in club history. The best was 14 back in 1991. So if the Texas Rangers can sweep the Astros then wee would tie the record. Then they had out to the Angels ballpark, and try to survive with a Feldman/Harrison combo for the first two games. I have a feeling the losing streak will end there, or sunday's game against the Astros. Either way it's been a lot of fun watching it. I love Jim Knox's segments they really keep the game moving. Also I put a stat counter on this blog to see how many people visit it and I haven't checked in a week or so. Last time i checked it was about 14 people a day. Which is about how many people you'd find in a mcdonalds during lunch time. I have about an average of 7-8 people of day and just over 100 people over all.

That is way more than I expected. The truth is I don't do it for the hits because I wouldn't be getting hit often. I do it for the joy of bringing knowledge to those smart enough to listen. You can't find this quality stuff anywhere else, and I am perfectly fine with not a lot of people knowing about it because if they did. There would be way too many smart people walking around, and then there will be more competition to get on Jeporady which I really want to be on, and not just cause Alex's last name reminds of Star Trek. I don't think I'd win on Jeporady, but I just want to make it because if you make it on then people think you're smart. I'm tired and I'm falling asleep. So I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

We are the Rangers

We are the rangers we win when we want to
We are the rangers we win and wear blue
when we want to
Sometimes we wear red and white
And sometimes grey and we fly it high like a kite
When things get tough we start to falter
We get more ass than Taylor Launter
We score runs if we feel like it
That's usually dependent on whether or not a lefty is on the mound
And speaking of mounds we pound more mound than a greyhound

We pitch like we mean it
And when we mess up we say shit
Not cussing is for pussies
Don't talk back to us
We tough we cuss
We are the rangers
And when we creeping we are the strangers
We got heaters and bombs
We stir more pots than stay at home moms
We can be sexist if we want
And we're not afraid of bunts
We bunt whenever we feel like it
And we'll grab a tit
Cause when we roll
We rock
And when we roll
We troll
And when we troll
We're the beesknees
We'll infest your sheets with fleas
You want to fuck with our manager
We stay together so we'll protect him when he cries
And we'll be the shield that protects his eyes
We'll get your mom to bake him pies
Then we won't even eat them
We'll just stare at them
Because your mom can't bake
The only thing her food is good for is a spittake

We are the rangers

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Jim Joyce a hero

Jim Joyce missed a call that messed up a perfect game. If you're a baseball fan and own any type of device that gets news to it then you know all about it. People are hating him and saying he needs to be fired, or have fireworks stuck up his ass while he takes a shit. This man should not be hated, though. This man is a fucking hero. By being completely clueless of the call he made a stance against dreams everywhere. This man is putting realistic thoughts in kids, and that's a fucking prize in itself. Kids see all these perfect games being thrown and they'll get some idea that they can do it too. No you can't. No you can't fucking Johnny you suck at baseball, and you gave up a homerun to the kid who only plays cause his mom is fucking the coach. Stick with a real fucking career Johnny. Your dad is a trashman there is nothing wrong with that. You may want to be more, but the truth is you'll be lucky to be a fucking trashman. Stop chasing dreams, and start chasing that blue collar.

Jim Joyce tried to put a hold on this fucking dream shit, and change. Fuck dreams you know what i wanted to be as a kid? A fucking stripper. I can't be a fucking stripper. The only pack on my stomach is the ice pack I put on there after doing 7 crunches. My dick is fairly long, but not long enough to fill out one of those thongs that they wear. And my dancing is like a 7 year old on his birthday after he has had too much cake, and shit his pants no one knows though. So he just goes around twisting and picking his ass. I'm not gonna be a stripper. Now I'm stuck writing on this fucking blog about baseball. This pays for nothing. You know how much strippers make? Yeah me neither cause I'M NOT A FUCKING STRIPPER! STOP WITH THE CHANGE, AND DREAMS SHIT. JIM JOYCE WANTED TO BE RAY CHARLES WHEN HE GREW UP, BUT HE CAN'T PLAY THE FUCKING PIANO! So now he's an umpire. You think he likes being an umpire? Fuck no. Listen to him.

No more dreams. Reality owns.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The art of catching a foul ball

When you go to a ball game you go to watch a game obviously, but you also go in hopes that you will catch a foul ball or if you're lucky and have cheap seats out in the bleachers you hope to catch a homerun ball. Poor people need balls too they're an important part of society who would cook those dollar hot dogs you eat. Anyways though when you catch a foul ball there is an art to it sometimes its the high priced art that snobby rich people have that no one gets and it's ugly, but it still looks good somehow in your living room. Maybe the big ass tv screen just makes the whole room seem nice in any event these are called ugly catches. They consist of drunk guys going after a ball and hitting kids spilling beer on women who are still trying to figure out what sport they're watching and then when the drunk guy gets the ball he looks for the camera, but he doesn't know where to look so it looks like he is getting chased by bees. Yeah that's an ugly foul ball catch, but still it's beautiful to that drunk dude. There is also the ugly foul ball catch that consists of the guy who looks like he should be able to catch a ball but apparently has never touched balls that weren't attached to him. He fumbles it around like Tony Romo in the playoffs and ends up trying to find the ball under the seats, and gets a wiff of some nasty trailer trash crotch.

Then there is the beautiful foul ball catch and that is of course the one that is caught on the fly or by a kid with a glove. But I look for the different kind of beauitful the one where it goes into the stands bounces off the second deck and lands on someone in the lower deck. Beautiful. Or the foul ball that doesn't want to be caught so it hides under empty seats and people are looking for it and they end up not even watching the game anymore. Then some guy walking back with his hot dog happens to stumble upon it. There are a lot of ways to catch a foul ball but just remember if a ball is coming to you catch the fucking ball, you douche.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April fools

I went onto Omegle and played some awesome april fool pranks.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

Stranger: 26/m

You: hi

You: i'm eating soup

Stranger: yummy

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: HAAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Stranger: dang
You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: Hey whats up

Stranger: not much...

Stranger: u?

You: i'm not doing anything

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: i am doing something

You: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: that was yesterday....

You: not in my timezone, punk.

Stranger: ah yeah forgot

You: geez

You: you think

You: your country is the only one out there?

Stranger: its almost 3am here

You: you england people, i tell ya.

Stranger: xD how did you know?

You: lol I know the timezones.

You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: HEY

Stranger: m/f

Stranger: ?

You: i'm a female

You: april fools!!!!

You: i'm a male hahahahaha

Stranger: haha u got me there

You: I SO DID

Stranger: i'm a kumquat

Stranger: APRIL FOOLS i'm a female

Stranger: did i trick u?

You: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

You: you not only tricked me

You: you fooled me

You: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: hahaha

Stranger: good one!

Stranger: have u seen google?

Stranger: it's topeka now

You: topeka kansas?

Stranger: go to google.com and ull see

You: okay hold on

You: lol april fools huh?

You: they're strange

Stranger: i know

Stranger: but they're strange and rich

Stranger: so it doesn't really count

You: most rich people are strange

Stranger: sure but nobody ever goes "hey, bill gates, he's pretty strange!"

Stranger: anyway.

You: i heard he wears panties

Stranger: Haha!

Stranger: Really?

You: no april fools

You: HAHAHAAHAHAHAH

Stranger: Bwahahahaha that's the funniest thing I've heard all day!

Stranger: i believe it

You: He's probably watching

You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hey

You: how are you doing?

Stranger: fine thanks

Stranger: you

You: i'm doing fine

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: i'm depressed and miserable

You: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.
You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: Yo' I am Thomas Jefferson

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: AHHAAHAHAHAHA

You: that'd be impossible

You: i so got you.

You: got you good.

Stranger: yeah,real good.

You: i know it

Stranger: hes dead you idot.

You: lol i know!

You: thats why its impossible

You: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

You: i so april fooled you

You: man.

You: so funny.

Stranger: yeah

You: hey

You: i'm sorry :[

Stranger: why?

You: for fooling you

Stranger: you didnt fool me

You: are you sure?

You: cause i don't want to hurt your feelings :[

You: it was just a joke

You have disconnected.

Too lazy to bold.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Fortune cookies

I know this is a baseball blog, and everything. But since the season is about to start, and it'll be baseball 24/7 for then on till the end of the season. I thought I'd do a blog about something off topic, and well I was watching a show and it taught me how fortune cookies were made. Turns out the paper is put inside an un-folded fortune cookie then it goes on this conveyor belt type thing and mechanical fingers/claws fold it. This totally bummed me out because I have always had this image of 50 tiny little midgets on a tiny little desk folding fortune cookies with their tiny little hands one by one. Then they'd take their tiny little breaks and drink their tiny little drinks. Then go back to their tiny little jobs. Then they clock out and cash their tiny little paychecks, so they can pay off their tiny little cars. But no it turns out a fucking machine does it. Speaking of midgets though did you know the first midget was named Rosco. He was a corn farmer in Nebraska! Then one day he went out into the corn fields, and he got lost in the corn field, and never found his way back out. Ever since then midgets aren't allowed in corn fields. I love midgets they're kind of like an endangered species. We need to make sure they have food, and water.

Anyways. That's baseball for you.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Homeruns: Why are they called homeruns?

For many years now hitting the ball (the baseball) in fair territory over the fence is called a homerun. But why? Who came up with it, and why? I guess I get the run. You at least get a run out of it, maybe more. But the thing that has always bothered me is what if you are the away team? How would it be called a homerun? You are not at home, so it can't be a homerun. It can be an awayrun, but not a homerun. Has no one picked up on this? I mean it's ridiculous and a glaring error in this great game of baseball.

For instance I was watching a baseball game with my friends last season, and I said "Woo awayrun" and they looked at me like I was the stupid one, I mean really? I am the stupid one, but you can't even figure out who is the home, and away team. Don't play ballsnap with me I am not a block of spaghetti. I am not stupid enough to not know that awayrun sounds stupid. But homerun sounds even stupider! We need to come up with a different name for it all together where it is not subject to home, and away. I suggest quader. Then you'd have a single, double, triple, and quader. What is wrong with that? NOTHING! People are just set in old ways. Homerun makes no sense at all when they away team hits it. I for now on am calling balls (baseballs) that go over the fence in fair territory quaders, and I hope you join me.

That's baseball for you.

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Texas Rangers on an 11 game winning streak

2010-06-25T05:03:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

We are the Rangers

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Jim Joyce a hero

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The art of catching a foul ball

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April fools

I went onto Omegle and played some awesome april fool pranks.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

Stranger: 26/m

You: hi

You: i'm eating soup

Stranger: yummy

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: HAAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Stranger: dang
You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: Hey whats up

Stranger: not much...

Stranger: u?

You: i'm not doing anything

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: i am doing something

You: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: that was yesterday....

You: not in my timezone, punk.

Stranger: ah yeah forgot

You: geez

You: you think

You: your country is the only one out there?

Stranger: its almost 3am here

You: you england people, i tell ya.

Stranger: xD how did you know?

You: lol I know the timezones.

You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: HEY

Stranger: m/f

Stranger: ?

You: i'm a female

You: april fools!!!!

You: i'm a male hahahahaha

Stranger: haha u got me there

You: I SO DID

Stranger: i'm a kumquat

Stranger: APRIL FOOLS i'm a female

Stranger: did i trick u?

You: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

You: you not only tricked me

You: you fooled me

You: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: hahaha

Stranger: good one!

Stranger: have u seen google?

Stranger: it's topeka now

You: topeka kansas?

Stranger: go to google.com and ull see

You: okay hold on

You: lol april fools huh?

You: they're strange

Stranger: i know

Stranger: but they're strange and rich

Stranger: so it doesn't really count

You: most rich people are strange

Stranger: sure but nobody ever goes "hey, bill gates, he's pretty strange!"

Stranger: anyway.

You: i heard he wears panties

Stranger: Haha!

Stranger: Really?

You: no april fools

You: HAHAHAAHAHAHAH

Stranger: Bwahahahaha that's the funniest thing I've heard all day!

Stranger: i believe it

You: He's probably watching

You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hey

You: how are you doing?

Stranger: fine thanks

Stranger: you

You: i'm doing fine

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: i'm depressed and miserable

You: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.
You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: Yo' I am Thomas Jefferson

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: AHHAAHAHAHAHA

You: that'd be impossible

You: i so got you.

You: got you good.

Stranger: yeah,real good.

You: i know it

Stranger: hes dead you idot.

You: lol i know!

You: thats why its impossible

You: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

You: i so april fooled you

You: man.

You: so funny.

Stranger: yeah

You: hey

You: i'm sorry :[

Stranger: why?

You: for fooling you

Stranger: you didnt fool me

You: are you sure?

You: cause i don't want to hurt your feelings :[

You: it was just a joke

You have disconnected.

Too lazy to bold.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Fortune cookies

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Homeruns: Why are they called homeruns?

Texas Rangers on an 11 game winning streak

2010-06-25T04:44:00.000-07:00

We are the Rangers

2010-06-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Jim Joyce a hero

2010-06-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

The art of catching a foul ball

2010-05-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

April fools

2010-04-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

I went onto Omegle and played some awesome april fool pranks.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

Stranger: 26/m

You: hi

You: i'm eating soup

Stranger: yummy

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: HAAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Stranger: dang
You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: Hey whats up

Stranger: not much...

Stranger: u?

You: i'm not doing anything

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: i am doing something

You: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: that was yesterday....

You: not in my timezone, punk.

Stranger: ah yeah forgot

You: geez

You: you think

You: your country is the only one out there?

Stranger: its almost 3am here

You: you england people, i tell ya.

Stranger: xD how did you know?

You: lol I know the timezones.

You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: HEY

Stranger: m/f

Stranger: ?

You: i'm a female

You: april fools!!!!

You: i'm a male hahahahaha

Stranger: haha u got me there

You: I SO DID

Stranger: i'm a kumquat

Stranger: APRIL FOOLS i'm a female

Stranger: did i trick u?

You: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

You: you not only tricked me

You: you fooled me

You: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Stranger: hahaha

Stranger: good one!

Stranger: have u seen google?

Stranger: it's topeka now

You: topeka kansas?

Stranger: go to google.com and ull see

You: okay hold on

You: lol april fools huh?

You: they're strange

Stranger: i know

Stranger: but they're strange and rich

Stranger: so it doesn't really count

You: most rich people are strange

Stranger: sure but nobody ever goes "hey, bill gates, he's pretty strange!"

Stranger: anyway.

You: i heard he wears panties

Stranger: Haha!

Stranger: Really?

You: no april fools

You: HAHAHAAHAHAHAH

Stranger: Bwahahahaha that's the funniest thing I've heard all day!

Stranger: i believe it

You: He's probably watching

You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hey

You: how are you doing?

Stranger: fine thanks

Stranger: you

You: i'm doing fine

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: i'm depressed and miserable

You: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.
You have disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: Yo' I am Thomas Jefferson

You: APRIL FOOLS

You: AHHAAHAHAHAHA

You: that'd be impossible

You: i so got you.

You: got you good.

Stranger: yeah,real good.

You: i know it

Stranger: hes dead you idot.

You: lol i know!

You: thats why its impossible

You: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

You: i so april fooled you

You: man.

You: so funny.

Stranger: yeah

You: hey

You: i'm sorry :[

Stranger: why?

You: for fooling you

Stranger: you didnt fool me

You: are you sure?

You: cause i don't want to hurt your feelings :[

You: it was just a joke

You have disconnected.

Too lazy to bold.

Fortune cookies

2010-03-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

Homeruns: Why are they called homeruns?

2010-03-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

AL west preview

2010-02-27T10:47:00.003-08:00

Hey guys! This is my first blog on blogger.com! I was going to start my own website, but I don't know how and I don't have any money (lol) anyways seriously my first blog is going to be about baseball. As you can probably tell by the title of this blog (heh) anyways though seriously. I'm going to be previewing the AL west division. Let's list the teams

Seattle Mariners:

Texas Rangers:

LAA:

Oakland Athletics:

Now the AL west isn't the biggest division out there, so you're probably asking "why is this dude not previewing the AL east" well because everyone is doing that I thought I would be different (hah) anyways though like really seriously. Okay so the way I look at the AL west is like the shy hot girl that nobody knows about you know? She has on glasses, and her hair up but when the Mariners roll in to town this year. Her hair is going to go down, and her glasses will be gone, hair will be down, and acne no more. That's right I think the Mariners will be the top dog in this division. Let me explain myself.

They got CLIFF LEE!!!! Cliff Lee for crying out loud. The dude is a fucking bromaster. He can pitch, and you double that with fucking Felix Hernandez, oh shit? Seriously? They just gonna go, and do that. How the heck are you supposed to beat those dudes? But hey hey hey what about Adrian Beltre leaving YO ADRIAN (rofl) no seriously though. It doesn't matter about him leaving because they got Chone Figgins now. Anybody who spells Sean, like Chone is a badass in my opinion. I just think the Mariners are going to dominate to be honest with you. I mean of course you got the angels who have like won the division every year since like 2006? So you can't count them out, but they just old. I mean who did they pick up? Fucking Hideki Matsui? Yeah he was good maybe a year ago.

I know you Ranger fans are probably wondering "Hey hey hey what about the Rangers we finished second last year" Yeah well Seattle wasn't as good last year you dinglelopper. When you face Seattle in a 3 game series, and have to face Cliff and Felix tell me how that goes. You got Vlad? and Harden? Both will be hurt before I finish this blog (lmao) no but seriously. You can't trust them to be healthy all season. Who is their manager? That dorky looking dude? Ron Washington? Man he cracks me up, yo. I'd like to see them in the playoffs just so I could watch that dude, but there ain't no way they making it to the playoffs. What about Oakland? Man fuck Oakland they ain't going to do shit. Here are my predictions.

Seattle Mariners: 101-61
LAA: 87-75
Texas Rangers: 79-83
Oakland Atheltics: 67-95

Well there you have it! Why don't you just congratulate the Mariners now (hahaahaha) No seriously. I do think they will win, though. So That's baseball for you.

testing

2010-02-27T10:47:00.001-08:00

is this where I type>